self crisis

the bad side of myself is i have so much care for what people say and think about me. even it’s not essential.
I feel terrible when people talk at my back. it’s getting worse when i hear those annoying comment.
it’s much relief and comforting when they talk directly to me. though, the effect is still the same. hehe.

“they don’t really know me anyway. why bother.”
i will calm myself by repeating the sentence above. sometimes it works. if not, i’ll take a nap. hoping i’ll forget that.

the thing is, when someone -like- know you the most said that you’re uninteresting and unattractive, it will be terrible.
awful.
no matter how they say it.

i keep wondering and asking my self, “am i not attractive?”
it feels like, well, i don’t know what to say.

it made me feel that i’m not worthed as a girl.
my self confidence now is dropping.
deep.

i wish i could calm my self by saying “they don’t really know me anyway. why bother.”
but the truth is he knows me.
and taking a nap doesn’t help.

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